SO its been a while since I have written! I’ve written many a blog post in my head, where I seem to be lost most of the time. I just simply not had the energy to write it down. But here we are, I am writing again! I am afraid this one does not end in a positive or solution 😦 BUT as soon as I get over this and figure it out I’ll be sure to write it!
So what is self loathing? Well lol it is when you hate yourself and your actions. We all feel this at some point, usually mixed with regret. Unfortunately, some of us expeirence it more frequently and much stronger. And those with BPD, well… We feel it almost 24/7.
How are BPD and self loathing connected? Well… we with bpd do certain things that we very much regret. Splitting, manipulation, guilting, being clingy/over protective, and much more. Those are all done unconsciously, but its the very bane of our existence. We cannot control ourselves, which is why we must get to professional help. We end up HATING ourselves almost 24/7 no matter what mood we are in (unless we are going through our god complex/feeling amazing moments lol). Our hate and regret, emptiness and moods, are so intense, it takes over.
How has Self loathing affected my life? Well HAHA the list could go on for ages but that’s for another post. I feel so much guilt and hate for myself. It seems as though it is going to last forever and never stop. I have (NEVER PURPOSELY but I have to accept I did it) manipulated, guilted, hurt, controlled, been possessive, split, gone rage monster on, and the list could go on, on my friends, ex, family, and others. I hate myself everyday. And even if I am not depressed, there is still that little voice, those memories, my reality, that I have done those things and driven people away and hurt them.
Does this mean that we are bad people? No! It means that we have toxic traits and symptoms that we must manage. We cannot change who we are, but we can change what we do and present to others.
Sorry I cant help/have a solution! Please comment if you know ways to help though! And no, making a list of how awesome I am does not work, and Im sure others can relate.