BPD and self loathing

SO its been a while since I have written! I’ve written many a blog post in my head, where I seem to be lost most of the time. I just simply not had the energy to write it down. But here we are, I am writing again! I am afraid this one does not end in a positive or solution 😦 BUT as soon as I get over this and figure it out I’ll be sure to write it!

So what is self loathing? Well lol it is when you hate yourself and your actions. We all feel this at some point, usually mixed with regret. Unfortunately, some of us expeirence it more frequently and much stronger. And those with BPD, well… We feel it almost 24/7.

How are BPD and self loathing connected? Well… we with bpd do certain things that we very much regret. Splitting, manipulation, guilting, being clingy/over protective, and much more. Those are all done unconsciously, but its the very bane of our existence. We cannot control ourselves, which is why we must get to professional help. We end up HATING ourselves almost 24/7 no matter what mood we are in (unless we are going through our god complex/feeling amazing moments lol). Our hate and regret, emptiness and moods, are so intense, it takes over.

How has Self loathing affected my life? Well HAHA the list could go on for ages but that’s for another post. I feel so much guilt and hate for myself. It seems as though it is going to last forever and never stop. I have (NEVER PURPOSELY but I have to accept I did it) manipulated, guilted, hurt, controlled, been possessive, split, gone rage monster on, and the list could go on, on my friends, ex, family, and others. I hate myself everyday. And even if I am not depressed, there is still that little voice, those memories, my reality, that I have done those things and driven people away and hurt them.

Does this mean that we are bad people? No! It means that we have toxic traits and symptoms that we must manage. We cannot change who we are, but we can change what we do and present to others.

Sorry I cant help/have a solution! Please comment if you know ways to help though! And no, making a list of how awesome I am does not work, and Im sure others can relate.

BPD and the stigma

“Unstable” “Crazy” “immature”

BPD is among one of the most stigmatized, serious, stereotyped mental illnesses. Unfortunately it is also one that is not understood well and is not believed to exist by many. There is not much help someone can get for BPD, and forget trying to get disability with BPD alone.

The stereotype of someone with BPD is unpredictable moods to the extreme, living in a hole, having no job, no S/O, violent, irresponsible, sociopathic(no empathy), helpless, manipulative, toxic, dramatic, attention seeking, narcissistic, and more. While these are true on some level, not every person with BPD has the same symptoms or reactions. Like most mental health stigmas, BPD is perceived as someone who “just needs to get over it and out of their head”. Again on some level this is true, as we learn in DBT therapy, but we CANNOT completely control ourselves. Many call us emotionally immature, which it seems like that on the outside but oh dear lord under the surface is a whole other story. Not to mention many of us are victim of this thing called regression, but that is another story lol. Most of this stigma is not true, but it holds water because as much as I would hate to admit it, we do some of those things, but not purposely. It is a gut reaction or we just can’t help it. This is the way of any mental illness, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. If we can accept a person that has those, why not someone with BPD? If we are actively trying to get help and manage our illness, do we not deserve the same life as others? To be treated the same?

There are many of us trying to find help where we can. There are little to no resources for this. Our illness makes us much different than others. It makes us toxic even. But if one with BPD tries but continues to get denied, that is not right. End the stigma around BPD. We (most of us) are trying our best to heal, and manage this hell. We did not choose it, it has both genetic and trauma related roots. We only wish to keep relationships, work normaly, be treated fairly, get the help we need, and stop all of our very negative and toxic qualities.

The portrayal of people with BPD in pop culture and such is often us in the extreme untreated way. Some people with BPD enter secondary psychopathic mode when triggered. This is how we are perceived and shown. It is true, we have our “crazy” moments, but if someone with BPD reaches out for professional help (which again there are very little resources) they are headed down the right path of NOT becoming that extreme. It doesn’t hurt if they get care and love too 🙂 that is mainly what we wish in life. To be accepted, loved, cared for, and at least tolerated.

There is much unknown about BPD, but with spread awareness it may become more normalized and the help that is needed for it could be provided. ALso again, I am no expert on BPD, I am only sharing my thoughts and have also read too much on it for my own good haha.

Sorry I just kind of wrote in this post, its a bit all over and not just about stigma.

Life Update

Hi yalls! Sorry I haven’t been active at all! I have received my diagnosis of bipolar in addition to all the rest of my baggage. I got taken off on of my medications, Lamotrigine. It caused agitation and aggression as well as many severe physical side effects (none of the red flag lethal ones though yay). Being taken off that and not being put on anything immediately afterwards seems like a major mistake. It caused a MAJOR depressive low, worse impulsiveness, even more uncontrollable unaware mood swings and emotions. It ended with me heading to the hospital as I was a hair away from doing something that others would probably mourn over due to finally snapping over an abandonment panic attack. I was put into inpatient care for a week and a half. If I had been put on a medication for depression AT LEAST or mood stabilizer it would not have gotten to that point. Unfortunately I had neither the time or money to create an additional appointment on a friday evening, so I had to wait for the that thursday when my appointment was.

The silver lining though is that I got off the Lamotrigine, which I have nicknamed the murder drug as there are anger impulsive murders connected to it. YAY!!!!

I was told many horror stories about staying in the psych ward. Luckily I was put into the high functioning adults unit, so we were allowed more freedom and the environment was much more friendly and relaxed. The nurses all tried their hardest to make us comfortable and were always willing to lend an ear (this is special to our unit I heard). I made friendships with people who were suffering like I was. I was able to self reflect, better myself, and study myself on a whole new level without outside/reality distractions. Overall, it was an amazing experience for me, as it was therapy not 4 hours a week, but 24/7. I learned a lot, good and bad, and came up with ways I can improve on and fix myself.

More fun brain stuff!

SO recently I have kind of been on a visit and get all the medical help I should have gotten earlier kick. Today I went to the neurologist, which is loooooong overdue. He said I have PCS (Post concussion syndrome) and that I need to get an EEG, sleep study, and brain MRI. Having leftover concussion stuff is no surprise to me, as my primary care doctor said the same thing. It should be gone soon though!

I was referred to the neurologist from the ENT doctor after they said my ears are fine, but I still have a weird pressure, ringing, and temporary loss of hearing. This was a few months ago but (like most medical things in my life) I put off going to the doctor. My ex had said I should check it out, because one of her acquaintances had the same problem and they went to make sure it wasn’t anything serious as it is a sign of a brain tumor. I am no stranger to MRI scans, as I have had plenty of knee and back issues. If you look at pictures of sleep and EEG tests it looks like your in some sci-fi movie with all the wires hooked up to you.

ANYWAY I hope I do not have anything serious, and there probably isn’t anything, but one can not (as I have learned recently) be too careful.

Ok this has been life updates with meeeeee! I was given a new medication (YAY just add to the collection why don’t you) It was some old anti-depressent but it is now used as something to help with sleep and it starts with a T. I am great at remembering long medical terms lol.

Finding Help

Finding help is the hardest and most difficult step for anything. Admitting that you need assistance and that you need help controlling your life. It makes you feel weak, vulnerable and less of a human. Whether it is sports, school, and yes mental health.

I was one of these people who knew they had depression or something at least, but never found help. I regret that so much. Right now, we could uh say that mental health treatment is well a LOT of money and it is not covered by insurance. I do not have a good support system that can help pay for that money right now (Thank you mom and dad for paying as much as you can).

Growing up I had a mindset that receiving help was weak and stupid. I don’t know what made that happen, maybe a culture thing, or the environment I grew up in. I always had to be the strongest, never show fear, never show weakness and never be vulnerable. Which meant not to show feelings. ever. I was often teased when I did show feelings. The phrase, “Do not become dependant on drugs to help you” was very common. Who knows why exactly I had that mindset, but I had it. The brain is a strange and complex thing.

Even though I still can not afford it, I am getting and finding help. I had a very rude awakening, like HOLY SH*T!!! If I do not get the help I need, I will continue to hurt those around me. I am not a bad person at all, my whole life I have only tried to be good and help others. Then I saw the effect I had on people, with stuff I didn’t even realize was happening.

The thing that I thought was just some mild depression, ended up being BPD. Even though it was impossible to get diagnosed with that before the age of 18, if I had gotten the help I needed when I was younger for depression and anxiety, I probably could have managed my current BPD more. It had driven everyone I loved out of my life.

There is always a reason not to get help. Mine was a multitude of things. I am SCARED TO DEATH of medical stuff and hospitals. I never wanted to seem weak to my peers. I didn’t want people to know my personal life and fears, thinking they would then leave or abandon me. Being bullies and teased whenever I tried to express or show my feelings and thoughts.

Phrases like: They are just trying to get attention. They are over exaggerating. They have a disorder for everything these days. Everyone goes through that. You can say that about anyone. Everyone feels and gets those things. Your just overthinking things.

I used to think those thoughts too. Now I don’t. Get the help you need. It is hard. It is awful and weird feeling at first. And although I am still in the horrible feeling part of the process, I know it will get better, because I have seen people get better.

It may never go away, but it will become manageable. Get help if you think you need it.

Why I HATE BPD also more news :)

I hate BPD because it is NOT an illness, like depression or anxiety. It’s a personality disorder. It is who I am. It isn’t just my brain, it’s my whole body, my personality. I can not change it. I can only manage it. (not undermining anxiety or depression, they are horrible too and my heart goes out to those who have them, hang in there you guys!!!)

The good thing though is that it is supposed to go away or at least get less intense when I get further into years. Mainly because I’d be old and stuff so there is less energy. DBT is really good and it is supposed to help a lot with life and managing this. Maybe I can actually find someone to stick around and can handle me haha.

Anyway, today I was told I may also have Bipolar disorder. I have to see how the higher dosages of meds and my feelings and life goes for the next two weeks. Then my Psychiatrist said we can get the final diagnoses and closure. I would still have to have monthly meeting with him and have to see a therapist and continue with DBT of course.

Meds are ONLY a bandaid, and I want a cure. Well haha that’s impossible, but at least stitches or like a cool scar.

Rage Monster anger

SOOOOO… I have horrendous anger issues. I thought it was just me angry and everyone gets anger but I just got angry more often. Since my diagnoses I’ve come to realize it is because of BPD. This is the part of me and the part of BPD that I have the most trouble controlling.

I have uncontrollable outbursts, one second I am fine then something triggers me and BAM Rage Monster (splitting). After this happens I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt but there’s nothing I can do to erase what I said and did. If I get angry at a person it lasts a long time or a short time, but its so intense and consumes me. I send angry impulse texts, say things I don’t mean too, and sometimes get violent. I hold a grudge for a long time, or none at all when I should. My anger is so intense, it is like there is nothing around me but the anger and the thing/person/situation I am angry at. The term red haze is popular, but at least in my case it is too true.

One of the things I have been exploring are my triggers for this anger. One of them is my fear of abandonment. Whether it is being left on seen, not getting responses, or insinuating leaving or being with others instead of me. That anger is much more of a freaking out anger. It isn’t Rage Monster, it is hurt scared child anger. When Rage Monster happens, it is usually because there is something else going on. I have yet to find out my triggers for that, but one that I do know about is stress. Everyone gets angry during when stressed, but uuuh yeah BPD or at least me it is Rage Monster.

It is often like everyone around us is prey, always on the watch and walking on eggshells around us. While we are the predator, the lion.

How am I going to get better and get things under control? I am taking DBT, which is a MUST for anyone with BPD. I am taking Lamotrigine which has helped a lot with my changing moods which includes anger. In regular talk therapy I am going to try to bring up ways to quill my anger when I can no longer control it.

By the way thank you to all my followers and likes, I hope you are liking all this and that its making an impact! Sorry I am still trying to figure out the ropes of a blog but let me know if there is anything I should add or change? Again still learning all this!

Emotions and how they work into my BPD experience

Why is it that I feel so strongly? Its awful. Before this, I was a emotion repressing demon. I felt things of course, but I dug them deep deep down into the dark caves of my mind. I never acknowledged them. I was one of those depression is stupid I can overcome this alone without help people. Fun Fact: I have an irrational fear of hospitals/doctors/anything medical. Anyway, my ex broke that shell maybe 8 months ago? It was sometime during Covid lock down. All of a sudden there was 19 years worth of feelings and trauma pouring out of me. I hid those feelings from everyone else still though and refused to go see a therapist (I and my family also could not afford it at that time as we did not have insurance).

My emotions had not only overtaken myself, but it overtook those around me. My mood swings made people walk on eggshells around me. My rage monster cloud of red hurt people around me even though I never meant to hurt them in my normal state of mind. My rash emotional decisions affected those around me.

Now a lot of the things I was feeling and happened, has started to make sense with my diagnoses of BPD. Do I like and want BPD? Hell no! I don’t understand how people can romanticize and want this mental issue. It’s the pits. I can barely function in day to day life. Please go see your doctor if you think you have BPD.

How am I working to resolve these though? I am going to DBT, talk therapy, taking my meds. I am trying my best to be more aware of people and their feelings around me. I have this blog (which I doubt anyone will see but it helps me greatly), I use my DBT skills, and have a BPD workbook/journal. All these help me express myself in ways that are less EXPLODE and overwhelming.

LEARN FROM ME!!! DO NOT WAIT!!! I am still extremely afraid of anything medical, but I distract myself by thinking happy thoughts while in a medical situation. I will do anything to get fixed. Anything to receive the help I need to cope in everyday life. Anything to stop being overtaken by my emotions and bleeding them into others lives.

Hope

Life is sh*t. Its hard. You cannot stop what happens to you most of the time. You spend 18 years in the cushy world of high school, which yes has it’s own hardships, but not compared to what happens after High School. After high school you are given two main choices. Start working and make a life for yourself, or go to college and be successful. Both these paths hold their own hardships.

I chose the get a job path. So far it has been a mix of fantastic freedom, but also crushing defeat. It has been so unfulfilling recently. Go to work to pay the bills that you need to live but you don’t get to enjoy any of it because your so tired from working. It’s one big cycle. Yes you can get enjoyment, but it’s hard to find a job you truly find enjoyment from in life much less out of high school. On my days off I get much needed sleep or do chores around the house.

Even though my life right now is horrible, I have hope. It is what is getting through it all right now. It was so hard when I was at my lowest (without hope), but now it is a little bit better because I have regained my hopeful nature. I have hope that I will overcome BPD and be able to manage it. I have hope to get an apprenticeship in the future. I hope that I will find someone who can stay with me and be a friend can deal with and understand all my ups and downs. I hope that in the future I will get to be with the one I love. I hope that I will get over all my bad habits and quirks. I hope to meet Helena Bonham Carter. That one may be a bit hard to happen but eh…

What is life without hope? Dark and Dismal. However if you have hope, thier is always a little bit of light within your grasp. While it is utterly crushing to have those hopes broken and not attained, it ok! Keep moving forward, and make new goals and have new hopes! Don’t glance back at failed hopes, look ahead!

Sooooo… the last two weeks

TW: suicidal, abandonment

Ok so I started this blog because the past two weeks have be HELL. I turned myself into the hospital because I was about to kill myself. I was put into an outpatient program and got connected with a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with BPD and possibly Bipolar (we ran out of time) so I’ll find out for my last meeting this Thursday. It finally sunk into my head that my dream that I have wanted since I was 6, was shattered and broken because of my mental illnesses. Someone who I have known since first grade and though would be my friend forever left without explaining what exactly I did to make them completely cut me off. I got called unstable, aggressive and possessive by people I thought I was chill with. My ex GF broke my heart and left, because I took too much of a toll on her own mental health. There was a lot of family issues going down. I got assaulted which triggered everything all over again and made me relapse into what I was in the beginning of these things happening right when I started to get better.

BUT on a positive note, I made new friends and connected to new people. I realized that being alone gave me time to focus on myself. I found the help I needed through meds, DBT and therapy. I’ve discovered new things from self reflection that I dont like and will fix.

Anyway basically even if life is dark as hell, there is always (ok sometimes) a little light if you look hard enough.