Sup Yalls! It has certainly been a while! My apologies for that. Things have been quite hectic. I finished my trip in Africa, got home, and immediately plummeted into deep depression. I stopped taking my meds, I talked to no one, and I has just a fireball of pure anger fueled by the hatred of myself. Overthinking and reminiscing was my enemy which led to equally bad character defects.
I eventually got out of my head after about a month and a half of absolute defeat. I decided to show people that I am worth something and not the person they believe me to be. I decided to prove to myself that I don’t have to die. I decided that if I cannot heal or conquer this, I will at least distract myself to forget about everything including BPD. In a safe manor of course, I have yet to turn to my old self medicating and harmful coping ways. Shout out to Celebrate Recovery, they are extremely helpful and if you are reading this and dealing with your own burdens right now, I recommend that you check them out!
I am still working out my kinks of course and no way will I ever be perfect, but I am going to try. It is not healthy thinking at all, but what my main motivator is right now is to prove that I am not BPD to others. I have it, but my very being is not BPD. I of course have my short comings and falls, just this week I had another extreme low. I was prepared to do the worst once again. Luckily I managed to distract myself. It is not the best method as it is not the solution to the actual problem, but it is working for now.
While obviously everyone has their own different situations, this one has been the one that hit me where it hurts. This is almost exactly how everything went down with a certain person I lost. I beat myself up everyday for not having enough self control and sense. It was like I was blind to what I was doing. I never meant to cross boundaries and I certainly never meant to hurt them. It is sad but if I were to see them today or by some miracle theyd want to make up, I would be paralyzed (and probably run away) by guilt and fear. I still care deeply for them, which just makes it all so complicated and painful.
They had every right of course to leave. I only made their own mental health worse. I hurt them. This is how it went down with my ex. Oh how I do care for her still so very much. I still love her dearly as I have for years and years, and hope that she is ok. Maybe one day we can meet again, as friends, as partners. But if I must love from afar I will gladly accept, for it is what is best for her. Best for her health. Best for her well being. And I will pray for her everyday and hope that she finds someone who can make her the happiest woman on earth. I know she has this amazing life ahead of her and I hope it all goes fantastically.
WEll it has been a while. I must admit I have been extremely low and had no motivation to continue this. But it is best for me (and hopefully others) to keep this blog thing going. Now where to start lol.
I am currently on my way to South Africa to volunteer at the Cango Wildlife Ranch. I am writing this in Qatar where I have a 9 hour layover. I am doing this trip because I need to get away. Get away from memories, unfulfilled plans, and hospitals. I hope that a change of scenery, people, and working with animals will become a significant part of healing from BPD. It is also hella fun and I’ve been cooped in the house because of Covid so why not?
I went to the hospital again. Yes, again. I got put into one of the more intense units and let me tell you it aint fun down there. Met a great group of people though! It is nice to have people you can talk and relate to. I got put onto a medication called lithium that really helps but it has lots of awful side effects and consequences.
I keep losing “friends”. It is because I trigger them when I reach out for help, my abandonment fear sets in and I snap on them, or they are simply done with me and cant/wont learn/tolerate/help me and my brain fun. The more I open up to people I thought I could trust, the more I seem to get hurt. But there is no way I can go back to bottling everything up because that was equally painful and awful.
I’m questioning what I am going to do with my life. Which is normal for a 19 year old. But I have no motivation or want to do anything and everything I would like to try is expensive af. I was supposed to go to a trade school next school year, but it is incredibly expensive and is 61 weeks of training straight, no breaks. I also want to give it go with Horse therapy at Wilson College. And Architecture at Cambridge. And learn as many trades as I can. I am quite all over and honestly don’t know what to do. I always wanted to work at Claude Moore Colonial Farm, Ranger Surplus, or for the military, but those didn’t work as they are closed or won’t accept me. We shall see what happens
I am incredibly tired of getting abandoned because of my mental crap. I didnt choose this and yeah people have a right to back away and say it is too much for them. But it is also too much for me and the only effective coping skill that I have figured out is being with the very people I scared away.
One of the most prominent but also one of the most unhealthy aspects of BPD is our jealousy.
BPD jealousy does not have any ulterior malintent motive, but rather more a jealousy of hurt and being scared. Having BPD means in our past we most likely experienced an event that caused us immense pain, guilt, and a feeling of betrayal or sadness. Because of this when we see a person we love or are about to get close to someone else we immediately get scared and go into a mindset that they are about to abandon us.
This jealousy comes off as possessiveness. Which it is but in an innocent form? It is obvious to those around people with BPD, but when you are the one with BPD, you have no clue that’s what you are doing. To us it is just wanting to be with a person and getting scared when they choose to be with someone else. We can become aware of our actions of course but it is not like we are purposely and consciously being possessive and jealous.
This jealousy is unnoticed by us but seen and felt by those around us. Once we are told or realize that we were jealous and probably possessive, we feel guilt and try to fix the issue. Often times it is too late 😦
It is almost like a childish need to have a favorite stuffed animal to go to sleep. We with BPD need the attention from those we consider close to us. I will cover in a future post what a favorite person (FP) is, but the attention from this favorite person of ours and what they think of us determines everything we think about ourselves. This relationship is often unhealthy and only ends in pain on both ends.
Now while jealousy is one of our most prominent qualities, it does not mean we cannot learn to control it. It is incredibly hard to reel this trait in. This is mainly caused by inconstancies in our childhood, whether it be people, things, care, etc. We become jealous because our brain goes into alert mode that people are about to abandon us. The most effective way I have found to control this is also the most simple and simplistic conclusion. Wait at least a minute before responding to a person and take deep breaths to calm and quell the emotions. Think the same phrase over and over again (this is mine but you can come up with your own), ‘They are not leaving. They do not hate you. They need some space. They will come back. They do care about you’. If still not ready and in a good headspace, take some more time for the emotions to calm down and for your logical side to kick in. If that still does not help, I find that writing or drawing those phrases down or a logical thought process helps a great amount.
I hope this post has educated or helped you in some way. I again am no therapist, I only share what I know and experienced and how I think it can be manageable.
Hey yalls! So I once again found myself in the hospital. I was having horrible realization moments and got so overwhelmed. My self loathing increased. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got tired of trying. I was done with life and everything. I was so alone. I never before just had so much intent to act upon doing something that would end my life.
While I was in the hospital I met an amazing group of people. While they too are going through issues, they some how found time to listen and help me. They have become more than just my friends group, they are my supports. Even out of the hospital when we all have to face the real world and our problems, they find time to help me and others. I in turn try to help and return the favours, but I am afraid I am not always good with that stuff.
I have been on the road of healing for 2 months now. Honestly, I haven’t moved too far. It takes time. So much time. I am trying to do my best at healing, fixing, and managing, but its been hard. But what can I say, Im trying my best and giving it my all which is all I can do. I only hope that people will see that progress and that I am able to see it in myself and in my life.
Although with all my time self reflecting I have realized that not everyone is good for me. In fact many people in my life I’ve come to realize were fake and toxic. Some others though I really do hope will come back once they see the progress I have made. As for myself seeing my own progress and coming to terms with myself…that’s a different story. My self loathing has increased and my progress has plateaued. I keep getting called weak at one side, and strong on the other and its confusing me. People think I am stupid but I am not and I know what they think. I actually seem to be getting a little worse. But HEY! A phoenix must die to be reborn again. My supports, new and previous, are always there and are helping me out.
The doctors are still experimenting with my medication which is really messing with me. I took a nap the other day because one of the medication side effects is fatigue and tiredness, making miss some important appointments and events.
My parents and others did not do all that was listed on how BPD was developed post. There are those of you that are worried and reached out to myself and my parents. That was a list of ALL proven things that develop BPD so far. There is also a possibility that my BPD is through genetics. I say developed though because of certain ones, for example, people in and out of my life constantly. Was it done purposely to me? No. Please do not blame my parents for that whole list!
Lately I have posted a lot about BPD leaning toward the negative side. How about some positives? There are positive quality traits to someone who has BPD too! Even if you are untreated, you still have these symptoms and qualities!
People with BPD are extremely loving. Our emotions are all consuming and to the extreme, and that includes positive emotions as well! Even if sometimes our hardcore love creates our downfall, don’t get discouraged! This positive quality isn’t for everyone and certainly not the faint of heart! Our love for others is so great and intense that sometimes it hurts, like any emotion, but it certainly is better than anger!
We are so passionate! Whether it is about subjects or people! We work hard and do and learn everything and anything we can that we like. Our emotions are so deep and that makes our passion so great in size and fantastic. We can see if people are hurting even if they hide it.
Having BPD means we are creative. So so creative. We see things and patterns that other people miss. BPD produces great musicians, artists, and dancers. being adventurous and sponanious is also a great part of creativity!
We adapt incredibly well to different and strange situations. This makes us amazing problem solvers! We can see the ins and outs, the good the bad. Fast and hard is our way afterall! we never half-ass anything, especially our problems! We are incredibly motivated when we put our heads into it.
We are strong and brave. We are so extremely resilient. This is our best quality I think. The stuff we have to go through, the crap we have to put up with from people and the stigma, and the amount of emotions and BPD stuff we have to process is incredible.
We got this. We are good people. We have our flaws, but doesnt everyone?
There is still a debate whether BPD is something you are born with, or if it is developed. Personally I think mine was developed, what do you think for yourself?
Did these happen to you for BPD to have been developed in your lifetime?
Experienced abandonment or abuse when younger
Neglect as a child
Struggled in school
Had inconsistent and undependable people in your life
STrangers were often around and not uncommon growing up
When you had an emotional bond with a person, they left, broke it, or betrayed you
Parents or caregivers abused alcohol or drugs
Saw parents or caregivers act aggressively to others
Had parents or caregivers act aggressively toward you
Chaos and crisis were common in life and at home
When the house is quiet and calm, you feel bored, empty, and spiritless
When the house is calm you felt anxious or afraid and on edge
Left alone for hours or days
Parents or caregivers out with boyfriends or girlfriends constantly
Growing up, you felt like no one cared or even watched you. You were on you own
When you tried to break out of the family cycle, do something different or out of the norm, you were rebuked, seen as a traitor, and criticized
You learned from your family that you are loved when your dependant on them and often feel bad about being your own entity
Respect and love usually meant pain, neglect, hurt, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or a combination of those
At my lowest points I was shown care and love from a family member, but only when your at your lowest
You learned that being sick and broken meant that you were given love, attention, and care
You learned to be dishonest and devious because honesty ended in hurt and retributed
If you have BPD developed it usually is because a family member has Borderline Personality Disorder. Or even another mental illness that a family member had and passed down to you could have evolved into BPD. It is also common for it to be a combination of both being developed through life and genetics.