Sup Yalls! It has certainly been a while! My apologies for that. Things have been quite hectic. I finished my trip in Africa, got home, and immediately plummeted into deep depression. I stopped taking my meds, I talked to no one, and I has just a fireball of pure anger fueled by the hatred of myself. Overthinking and reminiscing was my enemy which led to equally bad character defects.
I eventually got out of my head after about a month and a half of absolute defeat. I decided to show people that I am worth something and not the person they believe me to be. I decided to prove to myself that I don’t have to die. I decided that if I cannot heal or conquer this, I will at least distract myself to forget about everything including BPD. In a safe manor of course, I have yet to turn to my old self medicating and harmful coping ways. Shout out to Celebrate Recovery, they are extremely helpful and if you are reading this and dealing with your own burdens right now, I recommend that you check them out!
I am still working out my kinks of course and no way will I ever be perfect, but I am going to try. It is not healthy thinking at all, but what my main motivator is right now is to prove that I am not BPD to others. I have it, but my very being is not BPD. I of course have my short comings and falls, just this week I had another extreme low. I was prepared to do the worst once again. Luckily I managed to distract myself. It is not the best method as it is not the solution to the actual problem, but it is working for now.
The pressure is high, the outcome low.
The expectations high, the results low.