A long update

WEll it has been a while. I must admit I have been extremely low and had no motivation to continue this. But it is best for me (and hopefully others) to keep this blog thing going. Now where to start lol.

I am currently on my way to South Africa to volunteer at the Cango Wildlife Ranch. I am writing this in Qatar where I have a 9 hour layover. I am doing this trip because I need to get away. Get away from memories, unfulfilled plans, and hospitals. I hope that a change of scenery, people, and working with animals will become a significant part of healing from BPD. It is also hella fun and I’ve been cooped in the house because of Covid so why not?

I went to the hospital again. Yes, again. I got put into one of the more intense units and let me tell you it aint fun down there. Met a great group of people though! It is nice to have people you can talk and relate to. I got put onto a medication called lithium that really helps but it has lots of awful side effects and consequences.

I keep losing “friends”. It is because I trigger them when I reach out for help, my abandonment fear sets in and I snap on them, or they are simply done with me and cant/wont learn/tolerate/help me and my brain fun. The more I open up to people I thought I could trust, the more I seem to get hurt. But there is no way I can go back to bottling everything up because that was equally painful and awful.

I’m questioning what I am going to do with my life. Which is normal for a 19 year old. But I have no motivation or want to do anything and everything I would like to try is expensive af. I was supposed to go to a trade school next school year, but it is incredibly expensive and is 61 weeks of training straight, no breaks. I also want to give it go with Horse therapy at Wilson College. And Architecture at Cambridge. And learn as many trades as I can. I am quite all over and honestly don’t know what to do. I always wanted to work at Claude Moore Colonial Farm, Ranger Surplus, or for the military, but those didn’t work as they are closed or won’t accept me. We shall see what happens

I am incredibly tired of getting abandoned because of my mental crap. I didnt choose this and yeah people have a right to back away and say it is too much for them. But it is also too much for me and the only effective coping skill that I have figured out is being with the very people I scared away.

3 thoughts on “A long update

  1. Emilia, we love you and wish you the best in South Africa! Most of us do not have the future figured out at 19. There is a saying, “Man plans and God laughs.” (It comes from Yiddish). Of course, we still have to plan, but the plans usually end up changing. I am confident that there is a way for you to receive the job training skills that you want. Do some brainstorming with trusted adults (or even adults you WISH you could trust) when you get back to the States. Maybe people in South Africa will have some ideas, too. You have a big family rooting for you! Tia Felicia

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