One of the most prominent but also one of the most unhealthy aspects of BPD is our jealousy.
BPD jealousy does not have any ulterior malintent motive, but rather more a jealousy of hurt and being scared. Having BPD means in our past we most likely experienced an event that caused us immense pain, guilt, and a feeling of betrayal or sadness. Because of this when we see a person we love or are about to get close to someone else we immediately get scared and go into a mindset that they are about to abandon us.
This jealousy comes off as possessiveness. Which it is but in an innocent form? It is obvious to those around people with BPD, but when you are the one with BPD, you have no clue that’s what you are doing. To us it is just wanting to be with a person and getting scared when they choose to be with someone else. We can become aware of our actions of course but it is not like we are purposely and consciously being possessive and jealous.
This jealousy is unnoticed by us but seen and felt by those around us. Once we are told or realize that we were jealous and probably possessive, we feel guilt and try to fix the issue. Often times it is too late 😦
It is almost like a childish need to have a favorite stuffed animal to go to sleep. We with BPD need the attention from those we consider close to us. I will cover in a future post what a favorite person (FP) is, but the attention from this favorite person of ours and what they think of us determines everything we think about ourselves. This relationship is often unhealthy and only ends in pain on both ends.
Now while jealousy is one of our most prominent qualities, it does not mean we cannot learn to control it. It is incredibly hard to reel this trait in. This is mainly caused by inconstancies in our childhood, whether it be people, things, care, etc. We become jealous because our brain goes into alert mode that people are about to abandon us. The most effective way I have found to control this is also the most simple and simplistic conclusion. Wait at least a minute before responding to a person and take deep breaths to calm and quell the emotions. Think the same phrase over and over again (this is mine but you can come up with your own), ‘They are not leaving. They do not hate you. They need some space. They will come back. They do care about you’. If still not ready and in a good headspace, take some more time for the emotions to calm down and for your logical side to kick in. If that still does not help, I find that writing or drawing those phrases down or a logical thought process helps a great amount.
I hope this post has educated or helped you in some way. I again am no therapist, I only share what I know and experienced and how I think it can be manageable.