Hey yalls! So I once again found myself in the hospital. I was having horrible realization moments and got so overwhelmed. My self loathing increased. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got tired of trying. I was done with life and everything. I was so alone. I never before just had so much intent to act upon doing something that would end my life.
While I was in the hospital I met an amazing group of people. While they too are going through issues, they some how found time to listen and help me. They have become more than just my friends group, they are my supports. Even out of the hospital when we all have to face the real world and our problems, they find time to help me and others. I in turn try to help and return the favours, but I am afraid I am not always good with that stuff.
I have been on the road of healing for 2 months now. Honestly, I haven’t moved too far. It takes time. So much time. I am trying to do my best at healing, fixing, and managing, but its been hard. But what can I say, Im trying my best and giving it my all which is all I can do. I only hope that people will see that progress and that I am able to see it in myself and in my life.
Although with all my time self reflecting I have realized that not everyone is good for me. In fact many people in my life I’ve come to realize were fake and toxic. Some others though I really do hope will come back once they see the progress I have made. As for myself seeing my own progress and coming to terms with myself…that’s a different story. My self loathing has increased and my progress has plateaued. I keep getting called weak at one side, and strong on the other and its confusing me. People think I am stupid but I am not and I know what they think. I actually seem to be getting a little worse. But HEY! A phoenix must die to be reborn again. My supports, new and previous, are always there and are helping me out.
The doctors are still experimenting with my medication which is really messing with me. I took a nap the other day because one of the medication side effects is fatigue and tiredness, making miss some important appointments and events.
Do you guys think I should do a weekly update?