Finding Help

Finding help is the hardest and most difficult step for anything. Admitting that you need assistance and that you need help controlling your life. It makes you feel weak, vulnerable and less of a human. Whether it is sports, school, and yes mental health.

I was one of these people who knew they had depression or something at least, but never found help. I regret that so much. Right now, we could uh say that mental health treatment is well a LOT of money and it is not covered by insurance. I do not have a good support system that can help pay for that money right now (Thank you mom and dad for paying as much as you can).

Growing up I had a mindset that receiving help was weak and stupid. I don’t know what made that happen, maybe a culture thing, or the environment I grew up in. I always had to be the strongest, never show fear, never show weakness and never be vulnerable. Which meant not to show feelings. ever. I was often teased when I did show feelings. The phrase, “Do not become dependant on drugs to help you” was very common. Who knows why exactly I had that mindset, but I had it. The brain is a strange and complex thing.

Even though I still can not afford it, I am getting and finding help. I had a very rude awakening, like HOLY SH*T!!! If I do not get the help I need, I will continue to hurt those around me. I am not a bad person at all, my whole life I have only tried to be good and help others. Then I saw the effect I had on people, with stuff I didn’t even realize was happening.

The thing that I thought was just some mild depression, ended up being BPD. Even though it was impossible to get diagnosed with that before the age of 18, if I had gotten the help I needed when I was younger for depression and anxiety, I probably could have managed my current BPD more. It had driven everyone I loved out of my life.

There is always a reason not to get help. Mine was a multitude of things. I am SCARED TO DEATH of medical stuff and hospitals. I never wanted to seem weak to my peers. I didn’t want people to know my personal life and fears, thinking they would then leave or abandon me. Being bullies and teased whenever I tried to express or show my feelings and thoughts.

Phrases like: They are just trying to get attention. They are over exaggerating. They have a disorder for everything these days. Everyone goes through that. You can say that about anyone. Everyone feels and gets those things. Your just overthinking things.

I used to think those thoughts too. Now I don’t. Get the help you need. It is hard. It is awful and weird feeling at first. And although I am still in the horrible feeling part of the process, I know it will get better, because I have seen people get better.

It may never go away, but it will become manageable. Get help if you think you need it.

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