SOOOOO… I have horrendous anger issues. I thought it was just me angry and everyone gets anger but I just got angry more often. Since my diagnoses I’ve come to realize it is because of BPD. This is the part of me and the part of BPD that I have the most trouble controlling.
I have uncontrollable outbursts, one second I am fine then something triggers me and BAM Rage Monster (splitting). After this happens I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt but there’s nothing I can do to erase what I said and did. If I get angry at a person it lasts a long time or a short time, but its so intense and consumes me. I send angry impulse texts, say things I don’t mean too, and sometimes get violent. I hold a grudge for a long time, or none at all when I should. My anger is so intense, it is like there is nothing around me but the anger and the thing/person/situation I am angry at. The term red haze is popular, but at least in my case it is too true.
One of the things I have been exploring are my triggers for this anger. One of them is my fear of abandonment. Whether it is being left on seen, not getting responses, or insinuating leaving or being with others instead of me. That anger is much more of a freaking out anger. It isn’t Rage Monster, it is hurt scared child anger. When Rage Monster happens, it is usually because there is something else going on. I have yet to find out my triggers for that, but one that I do know about is stress. Everyone gets angry during when stressed, but uuuh yeah BPD or at least me it is Rage Monster.
It is often like everyone around us is prey, always on the watch and walking on eggshells around us. While we are the predator, the lion.
How am I going to get better and get things under control? I am taking DBT, which is a MUST for anyone with BPD. I am taking Lamotrigine which has helped a lot with my changing moods which includes anger. In regular talk therapy I am going to try to bring up ways to quill my anger when I can no longer control it.
By the way thank you to all my followers and likes, I hope you are liking all this and that its making an impact! Sorry I am still trying to figure out the ropes of a blog but let me know if there is anything I should add or change? Again still learning all this!