Why is it that I feel so strongly? Its awful. Before this, I was a emotion repressing demon. I felt things of course, but I dug them deep deep down into the dark caves of my mind. I never acknowledged them. I was one of those depression is stupid I can overcome this alone without help people. Fun Fact: I have an irrational fear of hospitals/doctors/anything medical. Anyway, my ex broke that shell maybe 8 months ago? It was sometime during Covid lock down. All of a sudden there was 19 years worth of feelings and trauma pouring out of me. I hid those feelings from everyone else still though and refused to go see a therapist (I and my family also could not afford it at that time as we did not have insurance).
My emotions had not only overtaken myself, but it overtook those around me. My mood swings made people walk on eggshells around me. My rage monster cloud of red hurt people around me even though I never meant to hurt them in my normal state of mind. My rash emotional decisions affected those around me.
Now a lot of the things I was feeling and happened, has started to make sense with my diagnoses of BPD. Do I like and want BPD? Hell no! I don’t understand how people can romanticize and want this mental issue. It’s the pits. I can barely function in day to day life. Please go see your doctor if you think you have BPD.
How am I working to resolve these though? I am going to DBT, talk therapy, taking my meds. I am trying my best to be more aware of people and their feelings around me. I have this blog (which I doubt anyone will see but it helps me greatly), I use my DBT skills, and have a BPD workbook/journal. All these help me express myself in ways that are less EXPLODE and overwhelming.
LEARN FROM ME!!! DO NOT WAIT!!! I am still extremely afraid of anything medical, but I distract myself by thinking happy thoughts while in a medical situation. I will do anything to get fixed. Anything to receive the help I need to cope in everyday life. Anything to stop being overtaken by my emotions and bleeding them into others lives.